Trying to Get out of My Slough of Despond
Shortly after I started this weblog, I decided to focus more on learning, and less on mommy-ing. I am a mom, but I’m also a writer, a reader, a cinephile and an auto-didact, with thanks to Mental Multivitamin both for the term and for the role of that weblog played in clarifying the central role of learning.
With the arrival of Guppy last year, though, life changed. Learning remains a priority, but mommy duties have necessarily increased, and thus I write about them more. I try, however, to keep the stuff on kids and parenting focused on the learning–both mine and the kids.
I’ve written a handful of times about the continuing struggle I’ve had with depression since Guppy was born. I tell almost everyone in my life about it. Perhaps I do this because I’m an over-sharer and a queen of TMI, but I’d like to think I’m doing it for good reasons. I want to be accountable for continuing to get help and get better; I want to let people know that even if my shoes do match my bag that my insides are messy and angry. And I want to add my voice to the many who say, “I have the illness of depression; I need help.”
My post-partum depression isn’t the stuff of romantic books covers. It hasn’t been me sobbing quietly, or hiding out in bed. My depression is ugly–it’s impatient, angry, shouting, and cursing. I often have to mark the distinction between thinking about doing something harmful, and making a plan to do it. It’s a discouraging disinction to have to make; I’m constantly reminded that my mind is not a nice place to be. But it’s also heartening, because I find myself nearly always on the healthier side of the distinction.
I’m lucky I have a doctor who listened when I said “I feel angry all the time at my kid.” She urged me to get help, and followed up with me. I’m in an outpatient hospital program for my depression. It’s discouraging. Part of me feels like I’ve failed because I’m crazy and in the loony bin, even if it’s an outpatient one. I try to quiet that disparaging voice, though, because I’m doing a hard, good thing. I’m sick and it’s affecting all my family. We all need me to be doing better than I have been.
If you come here looking for humor, or edification, or stuff about girl detectives, and instead find posts about depression and mommy stuff, you might be disappointed. But I don’t want to be yet another person who denies the depression, or hides it, or downplays it. The bad news is that it sucks. The good news is that it’s likely to get better, and also that I’m still learning. As always, that’s what I’ll try to keep the focus on. My learning is an ongoing process, though I don’t always get to choose the topics.