In Praise of Idle Parenting
Tom Hodgkinson, editor of The Idler and father of three small children, is a proponent of what he calls Idle Parenting. (Link from Game Theorist, a blog on economics and child rearing, a la Freakonomics.)
He claims it’s a win/win strategy. Parents get more enjoyment time for themselves, and kids develop self-sufficiency, and aren’t smothered by hovering parents.
I was entertained by the article, and in it I recognized my occasional flailings at non-idle parenting. My elder son is in preschool 3 days a week. He and his 2yo brother also have a music class and a public-schools family class that they take with my husband G. Grod. We’re hardly an overachieving family. But that’s not to say that I don’t feel guilt over this; I do. Every time I hear some other mom talk about the sports class her kid is taking, or the museum they visited, or the whatever the heck it is, I feel like I’m dropping the ball. Really, I’m beginning to think we all just have too much time on our hands, and should figure out how to use it usefully, rather than by competing in Olympic level parenting one-up-mom-ship.
Hodgkinson’s advice is refreshing for its stance against the status quo. He’s hardly the first to suggest that the current parenting climate is overzealous. There’s Confessions of a Slacker Mom, and The Three Martini Playdate. And one of my regular readers, Lazy Cow, who blogs at Only Books All the Time, is a staunch believer in what she calls “slow mothering.”
I’m not sure that slacker parenting is the ideal, but certainly a movement away from the over-scheduled, competitive kid world is a move in the right direction. I do want more time to myself for things I enjoy. That doesn’t mean ignoring the kids, just trying to be present when we’re doing things together, and taking some time to be not together. (I type this as Guppy naps and Drake watches “My Neighbor Totoro”.)
Hodgkinson has a bi-weekly weekend column on idle parenting, too. Here are a few excerpts.
From “Tom Hodgkinson Reads on”
By extending the family, creating a network of mutually supporting friends and neighbours, in short, by helping each other, family life could be made very much easier. Let’s give each other a break and open our doors.
On avoiding competitive sports:
Give me instead a child who can ponder and dream, sit under the oak tree and read, talk and think.
And a recent bout of family illness teaches the astonishing lesson that resting and taking care of oneself is good, and that kids don’t self destruct when left to themselves.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I love that link to The Telegraph. That is what I attempt to do, and I agree with much of his manifesto. Sometimes, my -also- over achieving personality gets in the way, but in the summer time, we spend as many of our weekends as possible at home, on the patio, with a drink and grownup friends about while the young man runs around the yard and in the sprinkler.
I remember my mom saying she always thought it was important for us to know that while what we were doing was important to us, it did not always interest her. She had other interests aside from us–though she loved us beyond a doubt–, and if we were playing, she was often reading. I tend to do the same thing, reading New Yorker articles while he plays with trains. But I also try to be present, and listen to what he has to say to me, just as I expect him to listen when I have something to say to him.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:57 pm
I definitely sympathize.
I must confess that we are doing the “sports thing”, but (hopefully) with eyes wide open. I have some cousins who are extremely into sports and we can’t even get them to visit because they’re always so busy. That seems a shame to me.
Our goal is to expose our kids to sports and then let them decide if there’s anything out there they love. The same with music. I’d love to expose them to horses (I read M-mv and drool, sometimes), but the budget just doesn’t permit. But I certainly don’t want our schedule to be dominated and/or dictated by athletics. Nor do I want my kids to turn into the ultra-competitive, win-at-all-costs kind of kid that seems to be growing more common.
Additionally, we’re taking his (Hodgkinson’s) advice and relying on the family (and friends) to ease the daily load. But I suppose we rely mostly on family… I just feel too guilty when the kids are playing at someone else’s house - as if I’m taking advantage of them.
I’m looking forward to reading his stuff.
May 3rd, 2008 at 1:02 am
hi,
i think the idle parent is a stay-at-home parent.
May 4th, 2008 at 8:19 am
I try to make Sundays and Mondays mostly do-nothing days. My over-achieving guilty nature usually turns these into do-a-little-less days, but at least I’m trying.
I spent yesterday really ill, and thought about Hodgkinson’s articles, and just rested. Finished my book. And rested some more. Fortunately, I have g. here to pick up the slack. I love the ideal of relying on friends, but I too feel guilt–I feel like i’m always asking for help, and not getting asked as much in return, though many people near us have local families, which we do not.
Neha, I know lots of SAHPs who aren’t idle, and lots of working parents who are. I think it has more to do with personality and a conscious desire to buck the status quo.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
I loved Confessions of a Slacker Mom, and The Three Martini Playdate! They both made me feel so much better about myself! I’ve also read Confessions of a Slacker Wife which I found very entertaining. Fun, fast reads.
May 18th, 2008 at 5:51 am
Ha! I just finished reading Confessions of a Slacker Mom (after reading Confessions of a Slacker Wife). Yes, they are both definitely me! I’ve been devouring Tom Hodgkinson’s column and have several of The Idler magazines as well, which are fascinating reading.
I certainly understand the lure of having the darling children participate (and yes, I admit, perform) in a well-chosen after school activity. This year - for her ONE activity - my daughter chose a tap/funk class. After 5 weeks she confessed she hated it (music too loud, she was too tired) so I allowed her to drop it. Fortunately we hadn’t shelled out on tap shoes yet, and we were paying week-by-week, but a BIG part of me was disappointed that she wasn’t going to become proficient in dance and what was she going to be good at, apart from reading (because she’s certainly inherited my non-organised sports gene)? Then I reminded myself she is only 7 1/2, for crying out loud. This year there will be lots of park visits, kicking the soccer ball around and climbing trees instead