Isn’t Reward Just a Euphemism for Bribe?
Some friends were recently discussing their bribe of choice–Jelly Bellies–now that their 3yo sons had started learning to use the toilet. That spurred me to offer 4yo Drake a treat if he’d stop doing something that was causing me distress. (Behavior not included, as it might someday cause embarrassment.) I was very careful. I said that if he did the thing I wanted (phrased positively rather than as “not X”) then I’d give him a small piece of chocolate (dark, which has antioxidants and iron) after he’d eaten healthy foods for breakfast.
My husband G. Grod took issue with me offering him candy for breakfast. But to Drake’s credit, the positive behavior has continued. Also, I don’t remind him of the reward in the morning. If he asks for it, I give it to him; if he doesn’t, I don’t. Is it manipulation, or savvy parenting? Bribing my child with candy to do what I want sounds terrible. Yet offering him a small reward to do a good thing and thus reinforce a positive behavior, does not. I think they’re different aspects of the same thing, and it’s how I handle it that can make it good or bad.
October 29th, 2007 at 10:21 am
We JUST had this discussion in our family (especially with potty training day-to-day)–but I came down on it similarly. We got our son a nice, larger than usual toy as a reward for truly extraordinary behavior during a difficult time. We didn’t tell him he would get it before the difficult time, but in giving it to him, made clear why he was getting it. I thought that was a reward, rather than a bribe–exactly that part about reinforcing positive behavior.
But I’m also talking about a kid who now has complex sticker to hotwheel car ratio (X stickers = one hotwheel) regarding number of times he uses the toilet in a day.
October 30th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
Here’s my take: bribing kids is only a bad thing if you don’t know that you’re doing it. Label it whatever you want and use it sparingly, and it’s a terrific tool for modifying behavior. If one is in the habit of using it often, and isn’t really aware that they’re doing it, it’s not so good. Sometimes desparate times demand despart measures….
November 5th, 2007 at 4:24 pm
So far it seems to be working, and most mornings he forgets to ask for the chocolate, and I’m no longer reminding him of it when I request the behavior, so I think it’s going well.